This year 2021 I met the most broken version of myself but also the strongest. It’s been one of the toughest inner battles & personal trauma to understand – & it has propelled me on an individual path of deep inner-work, profound healing, self-discovery & searching my self within. I never thought it get this bad to an extent of waking up from nightmares & feeling completely drained. It’s been an exquisite journey of holding my self accountable to correct/heal my actions/reactions, & earliest childhood trauma’s – as-well as exploring the deeper world on mental health & my own emotional density. I’ve covered the background & introduction on my previous post on Trauma Part I, & this will be a continuation as Part II focusing on this years personal depression that some or many of us may go through.
Before I had understood that the outer world is a reflection of my inner world – It was after my recent break up throughout the cloudiest of storms, being ghosted without a word & left hanging without the closure to pick up the pieces to start this year – I went through a whole different world of depression like none other I’ve had before this year – recovering from rejection & unexpressed emotions – holding onto a thin line of hope & resilience to not fall down into a self-sabotaging & destructive path – within unravelling all the abandonment pain and unhealed childhood trauma’s I’ve ever had. It’s through this unexpected journey I found my strongest self, where I can bloom where I was once broken. Taken accountability for my own healing & fixing my self by searching within, it’s there where I found faith within to trust the process, to learn & grow into the best version of my self.
For starters, my goal is to heal & grow stronger within and be as vulnerable as much as possible to face/clear/address & validate every pain and experience. As Teal Swan has stated, the only way OUT… is IN. I strongly do feel & recognise that where majority of people & I would go wrong, is looking to move forward & heal by moving out far away from within ourselves, ‘escaping’, rather than going within where deep terror, pain, shame & unbearable truths awaits. However, often we can’t heal where we had been broken, & sometimes escaping/avoidance may work wonders for some people & that’s none of our business, but it is necessary to face it personally head on one day so we don’t repeat the same patterns/triggers & carry it wherever we go onto our next chapters – where ever the journey that the Universe & God decides to put us on next.
In this post for my own healing & self-therapy I will be validating my personal experience instead of keeping it bottled up, which has been severely draining & uncomfortable for me to unpack throughout – after all nobody carries the aftermath of the trauma we have personally endured inside our bodies, therefore we are entitled to voice our own truths & do all things necessary that help us heal.
I will be exploring the toxic love I once had; how it was so toxic; how I took on all the blame/responsibility & tried to detox it; what was happening psychologically; why I’ve become so transverse into the topic of Trauma; the depression after it all ended; & the lessons and growth that would come from it. This isn’t a spotlight to blame or put shade on anyone, this isn’t a showcase of being the victim. As an important reminder, we are not victims to what has been done to us – we are victors from the pain that was gifted to us.
It was through my darkest hours where the only person that really mattered to me unexpectedly came into my life & talked every single day for the next 4 years; there were many red flags, we bonded through our own trauma’s & problems; she was the closest person that had ever came into my life & knew everything about me inside & out; she knew my story, trauma, the problems, the shame & insecurities, she knew my life throughout childhood. Although, I learnt now that just because someone may know many things does not equate to them understanding it.
She was my best friend; the relationship however was toxic; throughout the course of the relationship it revealed our unhealed trauma’s that overlapped & projected onto one another; I would receive all the blame throughout; there was childhood abandonment issues, co-dependency, unhealthy attachments/expectations, blaming/shaming, miscommunication, unaccounted behaviours & toxic cycles; that’s what we were bringing to the table. Incompatibility would be an understatement. We had different conflict resolutions; different love languages; how things had ended although for the better had left me more damaged: she left, came back & left again; Ghosted without a word while I was healing, without any closure, & it had left me shattered this whole year to pick up the pieces again questioning & doubting every single thing about my self & everything that ever was.
I could look at it as God protecting me because he saw or heard things that were not meant to be, or – I could look at it as a victim & think that I deserved it all as God punishing me. This whole year I was battling mentally & emotionally between the two.
Now, I don’t blame anyone or her for any pain, loss, or my trauma experiences – the aftermath is absolutely on me. On my end, I had a world of unhealed childhood traumas & abandonment issues to begin with in the past that I am now in complete control of how it affects my life today & the future. I can only understand from other’s perspective & their own personal trauma’s and wars that they battle that’s never personal towards us. Nevertheless, understanding our own & validating our experience is just as important as understanding other’s for clarity, empowerment, & peace. I believe this is necessary for people who are struggling to stand on their own feet, or suffer consequently being empaths or, are co-dependent & people pleasers, as we tend to lose our own selves & truths in other people’s narratives. When it’s all said & done, we have to look at all the things that happened FOR us, not to us. It’s essential when gaslighting & emotional abuse is involved, to protect our own sanity. After all, we owe it to ourselves because nobody is responsible for how we think & feel, period.
With that being said, nobody is a bad person, there’s always an underlying trauma & story behind everything. We’re all human, bent but not broken. She was a good person, with a heart of gold that would be a blessing for any person to have in their life; whether she’d be a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a friend, or partner. She was a hard devoted worker & often aimed to do things immaculately. She cared immensely for others, & always wanted the best for everyone – held high standards & expectations on them. She was some what of a ‘fixer’ & she would put all her heart & soul in what she’s committed to to those or things she cared about. However, it didn’t come without wars & struggles within her, she was dealing with her own mental health that was rapidly declining from the toxic environment she was exposed to (besides the relationship). She grew up misunderstood & triggered by many throughout her life; from childhood, home, church, school, uni & work. There was always this deep-seated anger & resentment from the injustice that started from the events & experiences from her childhood, it was an unhealed trauma that was never attended within her. She was stuck in a toxic situation from home that was inescapable, & relentlessly was in the receiving end of emotional & psychological abuse, as-well as physical from her upbringing. She was constantly being triggered, blamed, shamed & criticised by the one’s that should be protecting her, and judged by other’s that misunderstood her. Therefore, her emotions & intentions would often be neglected & invalidated. She was the scapegoat, & always had the world of pressure & unrealistic expectations on her as the eldest in the family. She was constantly trapped & under distress, living in anxiety & fear – between fight-or-flight mode & immobilisation from her ‘home’.
This person will remain unidentified, but it’s a story that will remain within me that has been the key driver to exploring mental health in all aspects. She had no ‘home’ to run to to be safe, where home was the trauma & the trigger, she only had her own room to isolate & find ways to escape whether that be through her phone or people she could communicate with. Therefore, she would easily get attached to anything that had gave her a sense of safety or a distraction & a get-away from her inner world that had been damaged long ago. She was stuck in a structure & a social/cultural ladder that didn’t help her within – but it’s part of the life from a cultural & religious aspect – and inter-generational trauma – but it does not mitigate the mental health consequences it had had. She had always wanted freedom & peace for herself to heal that she was unable to get or receive with all the expectations & pressure that was on her. There was no immediate solution, even when we were together – everything as a problem & the only way was to grind through it & ride with her and not leave her, support her along the way through every obstacle & trigger – be her peace until solutions would arrive. The alternative solution she had wanted was to get married since day 1 as her one-way ticket out of her situation, & that pressure/responsibility would be placed on me. I’ll spend the years trying to think of other healthier ways & solutions; often be blamed for making her life worst and not finding solutions to save her, even when she wasn’t on board with waiting in patience or changing a perspective. How we didn’t see things eye to eye; or agree that both parties needed to work on themselves. Even changing & fixing myself if there was no other way, adapting & becoming stronger to deal with the trauma’s, relationship conflicts & all the problems she had as-well as my own; regardless, it had gave me a purpose, it was a ‘promise’ I had made, even if it was all toxic love.
I’ve figured out now after taking off the rose-coloured lenses seeing the situation & reality through a clearer vision for what it really was & why I been able to write this post through greater reflection – how our own previous trauma’s & heart can deceive us to idolise people we needed – but this isn’t an exploration to completely dissect her whole story that’s in the past – for all I know she has changed/healed & the person I had known all those years no longer exists. That’s no longer any of my business, or ever was to be in the first place. After all, we’ve all grown & changed. This is my story from depression out of supression. Recovering from complex trauma. Reality is growth takes in all different directions, we’re all meant to be on different paths & transformations. This tale is about mine, being the bearer for someone’s trauma’s, as their carer, walking on eggshells, as/well as dealing with my own childhood trauma, the loss, & the depression after it had all ended. So without further ado, let’s begin.
Reflecting back on hindsight, the relationship itself was an illusion of what we had hoped & wanted, but reality is it was a grand lesson. It was a trial & a blessing in disguise. It revealed parts of ourselves that needed to be healed & worked on, if we were willing to heal without blame that was. The connection began through our own past-trauma’s that created a bond, & inevitably as time went on consequently projecting our unhealed trauma’s onto one another. I was willing to face & work on my own trauma’s after I had been confronted to change my ways, however I was the only one trying to change taking on all the responsibility & blame. The red flags were always there on both our sides, I recognised it early on but we never saw eye to eye. I chose to work around it putting on my rose-coloured lenses because I finally had someone & a situation that was too good to be true, & I loved the way it had made me felt; someone that had cared & finally saw my abandoned Inner Child – that I was finally not alone after all that had happened throughout my childhood. What I learnt now is that I didn’t have a relationship with my self & nor found who I truly was, the first & foremost important relationship that we can ever have. Without a relationship with ourselves first, as cliche as it may sound; any external relationship after is set on a foundation for future failure.
Without that relationship with my self, it would all go downhill from the start. It was great in the first year, that toxic love was euphoric, some what of a dystopian world away – even before it had all started, we were simply just best friends that had accepted & understood one another with no strings attached. In fact, she was my only friend & company I had throughout a time where I had no one at all for 4 years. I was alone & isolated from everyone I had ever known. Nobody knew me anymore, & I hid my truths away living a life intended to please others. Isolation & loneliness is a trauma itself, and we will bond to the closest thing we have. We talked & messaged every single day. We were on the phone every day & night, 24/7 with every chance we had. She was that beaming light of ‘hope’ that was in my life during a time when it was all dark. We shared & learnt from one another. She accepted me during a time when I didn’t accept or loved my self – when I wasn’t honest with my self or to anyone – when I had nothing – I was ashamed of who I was & everything that has happened to me or what I’ve ever done in the past, & tried to be something/someone else to receive that external validation.
Throughout the relationship, I was healing physically, healing from the past, & I was able to redefine who I was & what I wanted in life. My priorities had ultimately changed & I had a purpose. It made me happy to see her happy. I enjoyed those first years that was wholesome, living the fun childhood I lost as a kid with someone to share. I wasn’t defined by the past, & progressively grew to be a better person she could be proud of with her support that first year. I slowly returned back to Church with higher standards, values & priorities throughout the relationship – although I would still struggle with past patterns & behaviours, it was one baby step at a time. As she would always tell me ‘sometimes it may take one step backwards, to take two steps forward‘ that in order for an arrow to be lunge forward it needs to be pulled back on the bow. I went away from the world superficially & materialistically, to draw closer to meaningful values that can only be attain within. I had an eternal perspective through our Church beliefs, as-well as my priorities were set on the relationship, self care, health, finance, work, & studies. I strictly became more responsible, organised & methodological compare to the person I was once that was reckless & irresponsible, although I would still slip up & lose focus from time. I wanted to be the best partner, future husband & father I could aim to be & prepare for one day. I finally had someone to share & walk this path with. We were going to be married in the Church, & what we believed to be eternally together, we knew each other’s families, & I loved her siblings & her great-aunties, we were all so involved with one another, & her home was my second home. Her routine became my routine. Her trauma & problems, became mine too. Figuratively, I became one of them & what was ideal, growing into the person set to be someone they can rely on & could be worthy in everyone’s eyes to be with her, that she could marry, no matter who I was in the past; & bare all her burdens, trauma’s & problems, taking on responsibilities that would come, that was my responsibility to prepare & grow. Changing things about me to fit in other peoples lives, that I needed at that time. It was the ultimate blessing you could have though as a Church member, with the family, the values & the culture – it was the dream, after all it’s part of that ladder to climb within the gospel, that we have been taught in Church. Simply, it was everything I had always wanted & needed (someone to be an eternal companion, to start a family with). However, our greatest pain, losses & tragedies can be the true intended blessing that we needed to learn & grow, not the blessings we thought we wanted because of what we lacked or desired. Having everything you could possibly need or want, is not worth it if it wasn’t meant to be, it’s not worth the suffering, & know that rejection and misdirection is God’s way of our protection. I learnt that I could have everything I ever wanted or needed, but without the relationship with my self & God, that soul density within, nothing will ever satisfy. That the ladder we been dying to climb to reach where we’re suppose to be, does not come from externally, that ladder is within. It’s all about climbing off that ladder we desperately been told to follow & not miss out – in order to break a cycle, & finally understand that we are enough, & all we could possibly need.
That was my lesson I learnt this year about loss & being on that ladder, and how it’s not all a loss when a cycle that’s not healthy can be broken. However, let’s get back to the context of the relationship. Although it was toxic love, she did truly loved me at one stage in the beginning maybe that I can’t deny, but it was volatile, unstable & unsafe – understandably from the environment she had grew up in. There was unhealthy attachments & co-dependency with all the unhealed trauma’s beneath. It would go from one extreme to another – hot & cold, from love bombing, to blame & shame. Communication & addressing trauma’s became more of an obstacle. I was attached & hooked on how she had first loved me, & I would blame my self as-well as grieve for losing that first love throughout the relationship – as I will frequently mention in this post I had often felt that I was in a relationship with her trauma & no longer with her. The person I was back then would had deserved all the blame/shame & loss for all my mistakes in the past – although I wasn’t that person anymore not did I need to beat my self up for it as I had not known better, & she validated/admitted that I had changed to fix the problem – but the blaming & shaming never ended as time went on. Bottomline, it was that toxic. It was a learned survival & defensive mechanism from her childhood to deflect & blame. There was simultaneous stockpiling of blame & responsibility on me to take on for 4 years when her life wasn’t going the way she had hoped or wanted; with firstly understanding my actions how I may hurt or trigger her being responsible to how she feels – as-well as her trauma’s & how she needed to be loved, with not only my mistakes & the wrongs I’ve done to her – but also with what everyone else in her environment was doing to her. When she had unintentionally done anything wrong however, it was challenging for her to take some accountability or self awareness to change for the better, particularly when I would be direct & call out on a certain behaviour that may had been self destructive or could possibly be at her fault, she was unable to take any responsibility of her reactions & self which may have stem from her un-met/unhealed childhood needs & trauma’s. That wasn’t her fault though with what she had to be to survive, there was so much unaccounted abuse, expected responsibilities & blame that was always placed on her during her childhood & within her home, she wasn’t aware that the external trauma created a self defensive/survival mechanism within her to deflect any responsibilities for her to take on. Therefore, when I came into the picture in her life, I would play a role that would cater for her unhealed trauma’s with a whole world of projections & expectations to carry that I didn’t know better.
She was able to take responsibility & 100% commit to give her entire all with fixing others/getting attached/invested in them – due to how she was conditioned to be as a child from her parents – that’s how she was partly able to build/change the broken version of me & resolve a lot of problems within me back then to own up & work on. However, it had came with an expectation ‘conditional love’ from her, that there was an expectation to be fully responsible of her in return – where she often felt empty handed & that was her needs & love languages in a relationship that she wanted/expected. Refilling the love tank & being consistent. When those needs were not met, deep resentment & blame soon came after. That would be my biggest take-away from the relationship not only with others, but with myself too, & for the future – that a relationship is the plate & we bring to the table to add & share, if that plate is empty & we only just take, then there’s going to be problems, those problems left unattended will be the anchor for the ship to sink fast. If we do not understand the other persons love languages & our own to refill the love tank, there will be no love left. What I’ve learnt this year with a psychological perspective that’s much easier to understand, is the Inner Child we all have that needs to be refilled. That Inner Child needs love, needs to be seen, acknowledged, attended, fed, nurtured & cared for. That’s it really, it’s simple as that. The obstacle however, is the Outer Child, the self-destructive, the sabotaging part of us that blames, destroys & hurt. The Outer Child doesn’t directly know what it wants or needs, it’s actually quite blind & does not see, it’s only reacting in response to the Inner Child. The Outer Child is essentially, the Trauma. Therefore, this requires healthy effective communication, patience, understanding, compromise & consistency as we would with children to love them safely & correctly. In every relationship, we are loving each other’s Inner Child & learning to put the Outer Child aside. Thus, I’ve learnt a lot from during our relationship, both our Outer Child’s were at war with one another, neglecting & damaging our Inner Child’s further.
Throughout the relationship the blame & shame would gradually increase over time. At first, there was legitimate communication to address issues. The main problems she had with me in the relationship were truths to improve who I was to be with her; those truths was that I was unable to compromise, be consistent with change, or communicate to her when I had a problem that happens within the moment. My communication issues stems heavily from how my childhood was & my relationships with my mother and family, which translated into every relationship that came after. I would bring up problems with the other person that I had withheld or suppressed when they brought up a similar problem they have had with me. Thus, I would change if they can change too due to the hypocrisy/contradiction to be ‘even’, this way of communicating was learned through childhood – I realised that particular communication style was wrong from my end & it was coming from a place of fear, that has been one area I’ve been working on nowadays to improve. However, there were miscommunication barriers, when I would had addressed my feelings or problems within the moment, there would be barriers of rejection from her with her own childhood communication style (deflect or blame) – or, there would be a lot of self-blame & shame on herself, without really coming with solutions & the responsibility would be back on me to comfort her, resolve & take the responsibility off. Until the cycle happens again. Yes I know now it has more to do with other’s internal wars, the depression & mental health – with the unresolved pre-existing guilt & shame they are already carrying – it’s never personal but back then I didn’t know what I know now with mental health. Often times she would overwhelm me with her world & side of the story, I don’t blame her considering her trauma’s were real & present that were much larger than my own. I can’t be a hypocrite as I had my time with her in the first years to talk about my side of things, but that quickly all went away when her traumas & needs had overtook almost, everything. Her world was much bigger than mine. Oftentimes, I was more in a relationship with her trauma than anything else.
What would be misinterpreted & misunderstood was when I had needed self care. I would need healthy space for my own mental health, unhealed trauma’s, & emotional recharge to get myself together to handle everything & be available for her; but the support she needed during those times were almost 24/7, even a moment away from her for my self to breathe had caused her separation anxiety, deep resentment, blaming, & adding more pressure, creating more problems between us. She would feel that I was abandoning her & never fully attended to her. Emphasising that the ship is sinking further & that I was running out of time with her. Telling me metaphorically that she was drowning in the deep ocean & I wasn’t diving in to reach for her. Furthermore, any ideas of me wanting to see the family I had in Brisbane or be with people outside of the relationship, even if I was out for too long from work with my elderly or disabled clients, where I didn’t respond or answer her call or message in time, where she was not getting an instant reply or companionship, there was always problems. I’d find my self rushing & desperately needing to meet and keep up with the anxieties to not create further problems. It was immensely toxic, not because of her, but I was unhealed within my self to learned how to step away, have boundaries & constantly attending to her unhealed traumas trying to live up to the expectations that she was unable to search within to resolve – as that would get worst overtime with the self-sabotage, guilt tripping & emotional manipulation that she had learned to developed from her fears & anxieties to have control. This is all part of the Outer Child, where this side of us (the instant gratification/fix & need for control) is acting out to attend to the un-met needs of our Inner Child.
The relationship would come with relentless projections, push & pull. I would always be labelled selfish & that I had only cared about my self & no one else for saving/fixing/attending to my self first before I could attend to others, in her perspective – while leaving her broken, leaving her to ‘die’, metaphorically, over & over. I’d often be told that I had never cared or ever loved her, especially anybody in my family – that I wasn’t putting the effort in as much as her – That I couldn’t fix her, that I had never put her first. It was toxic but I believed her, she wasn’t open to my perspectives or what healthy relationships & boundaries would look like, and I cared about what she said & felt, & I could compromise with her needs & try harder. I became responsible for her mental health, emotions, struggles & every problem that soon came after. I became responsible to meet her every need. I became responsible for unhealed trauma’s that existed in her before I had even met her, before I even knew her. I was responsible for her every trigger, & quickly began to walk on eggshells each day and every hour. I was fixing everything that I had started & done wrong with her, as-well as fixing my own trauma’s, fixing my relationships with my self, my grandparents, my mother, fixing every problem she had with me & leaving the past behind to focus on her & the future we could of had. Fixing my self, so I can be 100% there for her, & her only, to take on her trauma’s & needs. I took on those responsibilities, even when she blamed me for her wanting to end her life.
It was toxic, & I would try to detox it. However, you can’t have healthy relationships with toxic people. The person has to be healthy, first. I recognised it within her & tried to change the toxic parts of her, not only for a healthy relationship but for a healthier her. Instead, I ended up changing my self with what I can control, for hope for a healthier relationship & so she can get better too. It was important with every thing she needed & wanted me to change, it made me aware of my own toxicity; with how I was hurting her by being defensive reactive, unattentive, playing the victim & being inconsistent. It was one-sided when it came to accountability though – I took those brave steps to seek professional help & counsellors to understand my mind & to own up for the inner work that was needed, while she never could or did with herself for us as I was always the problem or trigger. She would always say that it was one-sided for her, how she was the only one giving in the relationship, fighting & doing all the work – that was her truths & reality, while she never had to change. It was a toxic cycle that kept repeating – when she couldn’t change particularly with what I would addressed within her or with what I needed, she would often give up, by breaking up or leaving, but then she’d come back holding me responsible & blaming me for accepting things to end & letting her go – blaming me for her hurt & pain, that I never cared or ever loved her. That may had been her love language, for someone to constantly fight & chase. I’d end up trying to prove to her that I cared & loved her by sticking around, she’d give me ‘chances’ as ultimatums to stay & fix it, & make it work if I were to change. Bringing up my toxic behaviours & what the problems were, & I’ll end up changing to stay & to keep her – & that was the cycle. In hindsight, it was very manipulative of her, that she may have learned from her upbringing & unmet childhood needs. She could never change that & that was what I needed her to change the most that was never able to get through to her. Every time I would call her out on these behaviours, that were quite manipulative, nothing changes & it would always be about what I needed to change.
We can’t change people, we will simply waste time & energy trying. We have to let go of the control, that’s the only way. But how was she able to change me? I believe now that it wasn’t the intention from her to truly change me, her intention may had been that she wanted to change her situation, & only tried to see what control she had with me to do so when her situation couldn’t be changed – but it was me wanting to change my self for the better, as-well as changing for the sake of not losing her, & also under the pretence that I would be changing her situation too that I had felt responsible to change within me. We change if that is our goal. What I realise now about her, was that it wasn’t about changing me that was her true goal, her goal was to change her situation. So in the end nothings ever truly personal with how things failed & concluded.
The major changing point in time was probably when I went to seek professional help. One important change required was my old mindset that crucially needed to be addressed to me from her, & I’m grateful that she had. My mindset was obviously weak & fragile, it’s still a working progress. As I mentioned before in my first Trauma post, I had often felt like a victim throughout my childhood. I would consistently be called out by her for playing the victim with her & everyone in my life, & there were truths behind it in the beginning. I needed to change that mindset with how I act & react, or else I’d always be stuck, & she would leave. In our third year I had to seek help from a clinical psychologist to work on this – but as my psychologist had mentioned that opened my perspective – I am not the victim if I’m proactively working on it, what’s really happening however was she was metaphorically spilling the milk & I was being forced to clean up the mess; I was being bullied/gaslighted – mentally/emotionally blackmailed-abused by her that’s creating a victim on top of trying to resolve it & forcing me to fix it, over & over, it was as if you’re already cleaning up the mess you made & they spill more milk for you to clean up because they’re not satisfied, she may not even be aware of it & that I needed to man up & have a serious direct talk with her to resolve her trauma’s that’s being projected onto me particularly if she was still being abused at home or else I’d had to be the one to make the blunt decision to leave. My psychologist provided me great points; with how I could possibly expect my self to not be automatically defensive which is a human experience when she’s coming at me with not just blaming but with deliberate hurtful forceful shaming – it was a very complex abuse – she may not had been aware yet she is avoiding awareness – as she was forcing deep shame in me to take & absorb as-well as forcing me to suppress my emotions too so I don’t let it out or retaliate on her or any where else, & it was creating the problem/cycle that she’s having with me being a victim in the first place – the question that had to be asked was; did she want to work on a relationship or did she needed a punching bag for all the things she couldn’t control or change & felt powerless to do so with what’s going on inside her & at home – & if that was the case then why was I the only one here seeking help putting in the work while she gets to sit at home & do nothing but expect & demand. When my psychologist explained that, it had finally gave me a room to breathe, a chance to step up & regain some control in my life. That was the point in time I had realised officially I was taking on all the responsibilities & blame, and that I was trying my best to change with what was required – when I kept making mistakes, I would be judged & shamed by her and be more responsible for how I made her resentful, disrespectful, rude, & abusive. My mistakes justified & enabled her reactions. There was also an expectation from her to ‘man up’ or embrace the ‘toxic masculinity’ & be ‘alpha’ to what the expectation of a man in society/family is, & to continue cleaning up the mess and take the hits/punishment. Funny, because generally it’s much easier & toxic to do that for that masculinity & become problematic in the future, would 100% create more problems by following that mindset that’s often from the pride & ego, not so much humbleness & humility. As my psychologist had said, she did not know what she wanted, she was confused & throwing all these ever-changing & inconsistent expectations on me, regardless – I didn’t had a voice that was being valued in that relationship & something needed to change.
When it comes to emotional abuse, from a third perspective, she was gaslighting & distorting my beliefs, as-well as invalidating/minimalising & dictating my thoughts & emotions. So I had to be direct & face her with my own ultimatum for her to change or else I’d leave, if this wasn’t going to work, nothing else would. When I confronted her about it face to face at her house, it was quite a violent reaction from her that involved lashing, breaking things & running out, she felt betrayed that I had went against her with someone I had just met when I had known her for three years, but after she calmed down she realised she was quite abusive & over-the-top reactive and had decided to see a psychologist to work on her own self, anger & her PTSD as she didn’t want things to end with us. That had gave me so much hope, & I truly thought she loved me to do this. However, after one failed psychologist session she had she decided she knew better than any psychologist would about her self, & that she could fix & work on herself and her triggers without help – it only took a couple of weeks until she self-assessed herself that she’s resolved & healed, that she’s better, & she went back to the same cycle focusing on what I needed to change & blaming me for all the problems. It went back to her spilling the milk & having me to clean up the mess. In hindsight, I find this hilarious when I’m recalling this story, & I just want to slap the old me to death back then from 2 years ago.
You can imagine, I slowly started to lose hope back then & lost my mind. All I had was her in my life & nobody else other than my grandparents & that psychologist which I had stopped seeing. Physically, my body was being overstimulated with stress factors & pressure – particularly hyperventilating, breaking down & fainting in public. Crying in the middle of my class lectures because I wasn’t absorbing or processing the lessons and falling behind. That was my body under immense trauma & neurologically reacting/shutting down. I was filled with so much shame & dehumanisation, which she would shame me further for how I was & being the way I had become just to keep her & make her happy. I was always full of anxiety & hyper-sensitive, I could breakdown from anything slight & that would create more problems she would had with me. Breathing & walking on eggshells each hour. As she would describe – I was like a robot to her, pathetic, & with no personality, just drained from everything & she had despised that and how she had always had to look like she was controlling me. She had despised how I was being a victim in everyday life, how I was just obeying orders from her, & she took no responsibility or awareness on how she made me, or what I was going through inside mentally – it was so toxic, the responsibility & shame kept going because she couldn’t leave me or let me go. In some way, she resented the fact that she was with me & couldn’t let go. So, I would constantly change my self to what she was making me in hope for everything to work out & in order for peace, for a solution. I became more of a people pleaser & seeking more external validation, and I lost my self further.
I never had the courage or self love back then to walk out on the relationship & her. I couldn’t leave when I was being blamed for her wanting to end her life, & being constantly told/questioned how I could possibly leave her with nothing behind, & how I didn’t love her or care about her and had taken everything from her, as she would use & say that every time things between us had seemed to be ending. It was quite the emotional blackmail, & it was unfair that I had gave her my all & everything, for it to be invalidated as leaving her nothing and being used to keep me hanging. Furthermore, I truly had no one but her & my grandparents during those times, I couldn’t get the relationship I needed from my family like how she had support from her cousin, I was alone/lonely & I was attached to her still, as-well as her family being my second home. She was all I had at the time, my only support, my only love, & my Inner Child was still attached to the first version of her that I had met that first year & didn’t want to lose because of how she had saved me during my darkest hours. As you could hear there was never a chance to end the relationship on good terms when it needed to, with all the guilt & how I’m such an awful person to hurt her. I didn’t want her to think I was a bad person so I would stay. It was the fear of her opinion that kept me in a cycle and in a situation that was no longer healthy, when instead I could’ve had let her believed the worst of me & step away to start living my life. But I wanted her because that’s where I got all my validation from. I wanted her to think well of me, so I was willing to suffer in order for her to think well of me & love me.
I went all the way with her & this bullshit cycle for the next several months in a relationship with her trauma’s & being dragged like rag doll, that’s my own fault – but, I was listening to my heart within & putting my all in, heart & soul. Eventually, I would finally proposed to her with all these pre-condition planning to live up to her expectations & also for it to be a surprise for her when she had talked about it all the time – it was difficult to plan a surprise & come up with something new that was my own original idea – as she would often criticise that I would always do what she says & listen to her solutions (well, she had gave me so much ideas on proposals that would ruin the originality & surprise factor, I’d go above & beyond out the box to think of my own unique approach to propose as a surprise that she had not thought of) & fulfil that ‘promise’ as one of the solutions since the beginning. Hoping that things could change. It only took one month after that proposal, (the cycle doesn’t change), for her to break up with me with all the blame, disappointments and shaming – & get back together again after a month & then break up one last final time a month later. I stopped chasing & fighting, & the psychologist was right after all that time, that I wasn’t who she wanted, because she didn’t know what she wanted to begin with, she only kept me for control, & in fear of being left empty & alone with herself. In some way, she was using me as an escape plan away from her original problem at home, the trauma that she been trying to survive from before I had came into her life. It took me only this year to finally come to terms with that. I wanted the psychologist to be wrong so desperately, that it wasn’t true love that I had hoped. All those times it was just a battle for herself & the fears that resided within her. It had nothing to do with me, it could had been anyone else. It’s what unhealed trauma does, it takes control of us.
I was in a relationship with her trauma & not her. Oftentimes, it felt that I was being used for her escape/distraction & avoidance from her home & her trauma’s within, over & over, every day & night. It’s the rose-coloured lenses I had on that made everything seemed glorious. I lost my mind taking on all of hers, hoping she could change one day. However, that’s not her fault like my psychologist had said, that was my responsibility for being the enabler, & it was a lesson for me to learn for my self. That no one is responsible for the choices we make, no matter how painful or difficult, we are responsible for our own decisions & actions, we are responsible with what we allow & accept from others.
2020 – All things come to an End
The main trauma that I’ve been struggling with this year all started to accumulate in the beginning of 2020. Before we had the final break up in May last year, the world was already shifting into a new realm that was too sudden to prepare & let go of what was. It shocked the world, the whole planet was going through a wave of panic, trauma & entering reluctant change – changes to how we had lived, with our freedom & rights. We had environmental disasters ending 2019, World War 3 fears/anxieties to start the new year, Kobe Bryant’s shocking death along with others during that time, & the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic that had altered the world we had once known. The tone & energy of the life around us was swiftly changing – people & society were becoming more stressed, panic, desperate, fearful, & selfish with the global news & paranoia. It was during this time, that I had proposed to her & she had said yes, after waiting for 4 years for it to had happen, everything was pointing it to be the right timing, with all the hints & subtle pressure she was giving, after all it was the silver lining through all the disconnecting trauma that was happening around the world in the beginning of 2020. Particularly with the 4 years we had been through the chaos with the ups & downs, there was finally some glimmer of hope, a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
However, the relationship was truly at the lowest breaking point that no proposal or signs of hope could fix, nothing was getting better, there was too much blaming, her situation at home was not changing, and unaccounted reactive behaviours, triggers & hurtful words that was consistently continuing towards the break up. I’m not talking about the years of the relationship, this is about 2020, the ending. There was so much verbal abuse, shaming & gaslighting in the end & I would try not to be a victim & take it all on to prove that I’ve changed my mindset and that I’ve changed. I even became more assertive/invigorate to be less of the robot that she had despised, & all that did was trigger her further because now we were fighting fire with fire. Even through the calm, her own triggers would reactivate a storm when nothing was happening, when everything seemed too peaceful & ‘boring’ for her. It was an addiction to the chaos that supplied the cycle & toxic love, after all she never felt safe or at peace at home or any where else during those times. I took it all in with all my strength instead of feeding into the chaos. Hoping that she would stay because I’m strong. It was the final breaking point for both of us, when she was pushing me out & I could no longer fight or chase or reach her with how damaging & deliberate she became, where she began to devalue & deconstruct everything that was about me & everything we ever had; my fighting spirit was gone; everything we had done & every thing I’ve done for her, she took back everything she had built me up for, discredited & began to dehumanise who I was. All in preparation for her to detach/dispose & ultimately replace, because it didn’t make sense that this would come from someone that supposedly loved me or wanted to be with me, or even wanted to end things on good terms or for me to be happier if that was the intention. My heart was breaking piece by piece, knowing how much I had to give, changed, be responsible & wanted things to be better to watch how this was all unfolding, & it was the nail in the coffin when I told her how my heart was breaking & she responded what was even there to break to begin with.
At that point I stopped reacting & engaging in all the toxic behaviours. All the red flags & the trauma experience would unfold. I changed & moved on to be better for a healthier us, she hadn’t & she refused to believe that I had changed. The relationship was dying & that was all she had known how toxic it was for her. I tried showing her grace but when someone who has only known trauma, they don’t see a better way you have for them, even if it was all too late. I would put my mental health & heartbreak aside, just to listen to her & take it all in as things were tragically ending. I became the Adult listening to someone else’s Outer Child, taking on the hits & that had gave her the green light to let everything out. This was coming out of what love I had left for her, & not for my self. What she had felt, I had to hear it, & she deserved to let it out. The real devaluing process would begin, I was being shamed for all my mistakes in the past from 4 years ago & beyond with who I was before we had met – that she would bring up to use one final time, from what we had already moved on with what she had once supported & had forgave me for. It caused me so much confusion & hurt, when things were re-brought up that were already buried & I was holding and suppressing myself back from defending or telling her to stop. It was a thousand steps backwards from all the growth & regression back to being defined all those years to who I had been before all the changes. I was being shamed for everything that was about me or could do (criticised for almost anything, & everything I had ever done that was ever good) & I needed to man up & listened to her pain, continue taking all the blame. Being called weak, pathetic, deaf, dumb, stupid, a bitch, coward, over & over. Getting sworn & cussed out, disrespectful slurs, over & over. Being told that I can keep my bullshit & let the next sucker in my life suffer. Being told that if she ever had a daughter that she would never let a person like me come close to her, & I was convinced that I wouldn’t even let my future daughter come close to a person like me. I still remember that silently, like an imprint to my head defined by past shame & how I’m no longer human to someone who had used to loved me, completely dehumanised & unworthy of love. I was being compared to my father (she went there) as she said that I’m just like him regardless of how much I had tried to overcome and change, that I would never change & that she felt sorry for my mother, especially my grandparents to have had ever had to deal with someone like me. Shaming my body & comparing me to others, minor things that were subliminal, it really did hurt after all the years she had once accepted me for all my flaws & struggles with body image – I felt apologetic for who I was. Shaming my race, & my family. When she would use the coronavirus card to get me back as an insult with whatever one petty minor disagreement we had, saying that I shouldn’t even mention if she were to catch the virus considering it came from my people (which didn’t even originate from my people) it was so offensive & out of pocket. Shaming my family when she was recalling the time she came to our family reunion when my mum & half siblings came down, how it didn’t quite live up to the expectations & how it was off-putting for her with how they actually were in person & lacked with how they acted/interacted in general – that she was not used to it after she finally got to fully experience all my family in person & how it was a culture shock for her, how she felt she didn’t belong or relate, how it didn’t quite live up to the hype, she’s not lying it is true considering with how dysfunctional & empty my family actually were that I can’t fix – I had already warned her not to get her hopes up as I’ve tried my entire life since childhood to fix my family – but it did hurt when I tried everything to resolve my entire family & be the glue child to pave the way for her to be there on that reunion so I had something to give back to her for all the times she welcomed me in her family & them being a second home to me – I really did everything to possibly make up for what I was given. I tried so hard to work with what I had. Particularly, becoming a better family person. Everything else that was being said were petty, like how I would act & behave too nice with everyone in her family & how they all saw me as weak & she resented that everyone had saw her as the dominant one that had controlled me. She was ashamed to be with me, she was ashamed how much of a nice guy image I was with her family & how in her reality I was the one who did most of the damage. She would refer how it had reminded her of Big Ed from 90 Day Fiancé, she would compare me with him & despise me. She would compare me to anyone portrayed in a movie, show or book that she would dislike/disagree or despise because it relates to her pain & shame. There was so much disrespect & insults, it wasn’t even a joke no more, it was the green light that her Outer Child took over, it was bitter resentment & the animosity energy was filled with rejection & disgust.
I would validate her feelings & beliefs however, I had believed her though, to prove to her that I was still there for her, that I’ve changed & taken accountability, & I wasn’t about defending my self, I could take on & handle her with grace and no retaliation or drama or any weakness, & everything she would say wouldn’t end until….. she may of had realise there was no flame to the fire anymore of the old toxic love cycle. I could safely say now that she hated that I wasn’t the same person that she had blamed & resented. It’s easier to hate than to forgive someone who has changed for the better. In hindsight, she hated that the old me she had blamed/resented & held on to doesn’t exist anymore, & she was still stuck, & she was determine to bring it out to prove that she was right that I can never change, for her closure, she wished I was still the same to prove her point that people don’t change.
The trauma experience is the devaluing & disposing. It’s a trauma that I need to voice for my self for my healing, not to sound like I’m complaining or bringing up past things that are now long gone. The deconstructing process could’ve ended, we could of had ended things on good terms & wished each other the best, after all that’s all I’ve ever wanted taking on all the responsibilities for things to be better for her. I didn’t get that good ending, she was committed to deconstruct everything that was ever built. Deconstruct everything that I’ve ever done for her once she got everything she needed from me. It’s funny, how people can forget all the good that you do & only remember and hold on to the bad. She had criticised everything we ever done or gone out to eat, anything I had to offer, how I drive, how I taught her to drive, figuratively/metaphorically speaking she blamed me for her mistakes when I was the appointed passenger in her life she needed when she had no control at home. She would criticise a particular food I had cooked for her from 3 years ago when she knew it was my passion, she would bring up that it wasn’t done properly & it was dry, how that would sum up all my cooking I’ve done for her, it got petty and that’s one example – she began to criticise & devalue every thing that we had, it was as if everything she ever built me up for was all a lie, only for her to be truthful now when it’s ending. She rejected all my feelings I had felt that I wanted to share/communicate with her, she rejected all the feelings I wanted to share about us & the relationship, she denied everything we had, or anything I ever done for her or for us, that’s when I knew it was over & it was too toxic and no longer worth fighting for things to be healthier, it wasn’t worth fighting for her to see my worth or how I loved her, or how I changed, when she’s committed to dismember every bit of it, she was committed to misunderstand me, & it all became a trauma of humiliation, rejection & abandonment. I was even shamed for how I proposed to her, just to add more salt to the wound – considering the cost of it all financially. How she would say how stupid I was for not thinking it through with how I planned & executed the whole proposal. When I had put all my heart & soul into planning it above & beyond & taking that leap of faith, taking the responsibility from all the hints, pressures, & expectations – Did thinking about it even matter at that point? When I been thinking about for 4 years.
I never truly wanted or needed her to understand me. That was never the point. I just needed her to believe me, that I was going through a human experience. With all her trauma’s, I had mine too. With all her anxieties, I had mine too. I needed her to believe me, if she was the one, then it takes one to know one another.
After the final break up, we tried to remain as friends – well, although it was mutual, I was putting more of the effort to stay in the friendship, to prove that I’ll always be there for her, but that didn’t last 2 months. It was the smog after all the chaos, things were calm, but cloudy. It was an awkward phase, often times it felt forced, like I was the first one initiating to contact to keep the friendship going or force a conversation/reply or else there won’t be any contact between us if I hadn’t. It was a cold & neglecting vibe, even when we were still on the phone 24/7 as if we were still together – there wasn’t any space for any of us to grieve, she was still attached or holding onto what was familiar, but it was empty. There was no chance for a relationship or to get back together, particularly when she said she had never been happier being single & at peace remaining as friends, that her health was better & everything else in her life was improving & getting healthier. She really did blame the relationship for everything bad in her life, even saying that her face is clearing since the break up & that all her problems had truly came from the relationship. I was convinced, & I couldn’t be happier for her that she is finally getting better. I would try to build a pure friendship instead. Even if there was a possible chance she had low-key wanted me to fight & chase back harder for her to not lose her or be together again, I wasn’t going to repeat a toxic cycle & make things worse for her, especially if she hasn’t changed. Even throughout those 2 months of friendship & nothing more, she still would have her triggers & start lashing & shaming me momentarily, but then she would realise we’re no longer in a relationship & she’ll calm herself down, only to realise the full gravity about the reality of it, that it was all dead for her. I was still holding onto whatever leftover ‘hope’ however, that things would get better, but at that point the signs were clear, it was only a matter of time before another toxic cycle would re-trigger. We were still talking everyday, I would still go to her house when she invited me to be with her & her family, like her little brothers birthdays. She would go to mine for my grandmother’s birthday, or we’d go out to celebrate mine, even when most of that day on my birthday was mostly about her & what had happened to her last night with her parents at home that had transpired, it was an evening of her ventilating & I was being a friend like how we had first met & talked – can you see the cycle – & it all felt forced & depressing, it was all lost love, there was no love. Then one night after, she wanted to end the phone calls, & slowly detach, realising how it wasn’t working for her, she realised that she didn’t love me & that she was only holding onto me out of fears that somebody else would have me & vice versa – at least she was truthful – and when she hanged up, it had been 4 years that we been on the phone every night, that it was dead silent & that was it, I ended up breaking down in tears & unable to sleep right. Our messages began to fade out almost instantly over the next couple of days, until she no longer responded.
It was after I had given 3 weeks time, of no contact, struggling to know what to do – if this was the end & how empty of a closure it was with how things were left off, or – if it was all a test to see if I fight back or chase, or – if this was meant to be that separation time for her to change, but it’s been 4 years & nothing had changed – It was time I finally respect & love my self that I’m no longer going to accept or engage with what’s toxic or what’s unchangeable – However, with how things were left off with no closure, it didn’t feel right with the end. I dropped whatever pride/ego/dignity & came back to her hoping to be mature about it & offer for us to meet face to face to properly talk after 3 weeks of no contact & she had unfollowed me off social, so it be a chance for us to discuss & settle the matter as grown people that had been together for a long time & say what ever we needed to say or clear, to end things on good terms, whether that be going our seperate ways or remain friends, whatever it be, so there could be resolution & closure – however she responded instantly with just ‘no thanks’. With that blunt reply after everything, which I did not expect & really did out of pocket, it really did threw me off, & it was no longer worth the fight or chase, especially after she removed me completely off her social so that I wasn’t following her, & getting one of her family to remove me. It did trigger that lost & abandonment trauma within me, & I was trying to end things in a healthier way, only to receive that very blunt & cold response.
The next day after I was heavily devastated & grieving, went through all the stages of grief, I was in shock & in denial. After that, the reality had hit from all the 4 years that I had known, & I went through a whole heavy reality of brokenness & awakening. It was when I could start accepting losses & walk towards healing & transformation. I was driving to every spot we ever been to or shared for the past 4 years, particularly those first years that I had missed about her, reminiscing the memories & the moments we had that I was still holding on to – I remembered things in full detail with the time & day, what it had meant & that I had always kept track of for 4 years – only to realise it all never meant as much to her as it had for me – that the version of the person I was with or remembered during all those spots I had revisited, throughout her journey of growth & trauma’s that I had been a part of – no longer exists today. That in all actuality, that past is now just an illusion.
However, I wasn’t going to fall as a victim – I had this drive, motivation & point to prove to my self that it was no longer my mindset. I was going to continue to grow, expand & evolve. Not let everything that was loss be in vain. Learn from the lessons & gain from the losses. It was a difficult year to grieve from loss with the COVID pandemic & we were in lockdowns and going into a recession (my investment stocks crashed & never recovered even to this day). I was broke from that & also all the money loss that was spent on the relationship & the proposal and the debts I was in – yikes – & I had lost the only person that was in my life that was suppose to stand by me and the years that was spent together purely focusing on just her & her family. It was so easy to fall into a victim, but I chose to be a Victor, which who I originally was, born to be. I accepted my self & what had transpired, accepted that it had all happened for me, not to me. I gained a stronger me within & a better relationship with my self, with God & the Universe I began to trust. Everything I had gave in the relationship with her was going to be given all into the relationship I would have with my self. The focal point was on discovering my self with care, compassion, & love. Focused on spirituality & creativity. Invested on my own glow up, building my own world. Focused on building my relationships with my grandparents & family. Taking accountability on everything I’ve done wrong & working on it to be better. Reframing everything she has ever said, shamed & criticised as a building block & a lesson for me to be better and stronger. Let me tell you one thing for sure, I was flourishing within a couple of months. We truly do glow different with God. The new places I would go to on my own to discover, being more in tune with my inner self, nature & appreciating the Earth, being connected to everything & attached to nothing. Going to the cinema alone, finding new things to enjoy on my own, exploring my interests & drawing to express my feelings, focusing on what I can control & improve. I renovated our house completely, I became vegan not only for my health but to be more connected with what we have on this planet, I completed my reiki courses & started a new course for childcare, rediscovering who I was & what I wanted or needed, rediscovering what music I like & what clothes/fashion I can be creative & manifest with. I started going to public gyms & trainers out of my comfort zone to work on my health & body, so I can no longer feel shame. I made new friends from Church & focused on what’s good. We all been through this post-break up stage, that’s how it was for me.
But I did struggle, I would constantly think about her every night & day – there was no closure & I would cry at night hoping she would come back. I’ll get flashbacks & memories of us. Her words that were left were still tormenting my heart & mind – I had still carried so much shame & pain deep inside. It was a struggle. I would still lurk on her family/friends on their social medias, after all it was a second home to me, it was grief beyond a relationship, it was a world I was at home. Even after I had removed them all off my social for this no contact phase to properly heal, I would struggle with lurking to see how they are & how she was, & what they had been getting up to. I had missed those times we spent family time together with all the fun & laughter, with her siblings, even with her parents, despite what I know about them and what they’re capable of, things were good at times, & they were the best of times for me, it was a routine, almost every Sunday at her house, & regularly after she finished work. Even her Mother later on added me on my Social media unexpectedly, & messaged me, that I’m more than welcome to visit the boys because they had missed me, but I knew better that it’s not for me as it’s always for her own agenda that would stir up something with her daughter. Regardless, it was a struggle to control my self to quit lurking & missing being a part with them, but understandably when I was attached, trauma-bonded, & had received no closure. I had one forgotten social media account that I reactivated one time that was unexpectedly still following both her private social media accounts, it felt like I was opening pandora’s box & it was too tempting not to check where she was at in life – & it had really shocked me with what I had witnessed & saw, with what was being posted & expressed – but it was none of my business for it to matter or to even judge – people simply change for themselves after all – but I saw all of it, with the toxic posts regarding about ex’s with resentment & bitter energy, devaluing what we had & exposing herself with half-naked photos & wearing less in general – it was none of my business to even know how she was moving on/healing or dealing with things, it’s never personal, it happened & what was seen could not be unseen. However, it really did confused me because that was not who I had known for 4 years, was it really all a lie? Everything that she was doing contradicted everything she had despised that I had believed. Even before she left, I was lead to believe from her that she had never been happier being single, & how she was at peace, with her health & her life improving & getting better – but what I saw on her posts spoke otherwise & had the opposite energy & vibe. Actions & words didn’t match. Yes, people change. I was still talking good things about her to my family & my new friends, I was still defending & protecting her – meanwhile she was privately subliminally talking down on me & throwing shade. So, the whole revelation just seemed way out of pocket. Regardless, it was never meant to be for me to ever know. However, maybe God needed me to see to finally see the truth for what it really was no matter how painful it was going to be.
It was after 3 months, & I remembered this day vividly – when I was in the City (Sydney) doing my first aid course, it was when I realised all the trauma she had put me through all the times we had been in this City. It was hell walking on eggshells every second, & every time she mistreated me in public, from picking her up from her Uni & home, on the train rides, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t walk straight, I couldn’t even hear her amongst the busy crowd, I couldn’t even have time or be a few minutes late to pick her up from home or her Uni – all the name shaming/devaluing & belittling things she had said & acted out towards me, while in public, in the City, that was humiliating. I realised she was the toxic one despite how we had started, or how toxic I was, I tried to better, its evident with how things had ended. That’s when I realised in the City that all this time I had rose-coloured lenses on, that finally needed to be taken off & accept things for what it was – the final stage of grief. Once I accepted that, I gave myself the Closure I wanted & needed. I focused on other problems in my life & was ready not to look back. I attended to what I had abandoned on that day, particularly with that evening with the things I needed to focus on. So, what happened next proves that there is some God that has been mindful of our needs & prayers, & a divine Universe that exists to tests us, at-least for me in this story – After 3 months since we had stopped talking, on that same day in the City coincidentally after giving myself Closure – I had received a follow request from her on that same very night.
I was highly considering to decline it, after all that bullshit that I saw from her social media within the past 3 months that wasn’t meant for me to see. I prayed about it, & something within me told me that this is an opportunity to really test my growth & the lessons I’ve learnt from those past 3 months, to test my maturity & be consistent with who I wanted to be. This was an opportunity for charity & forgiveness, & I would forgive her for the blunt response ‘no thanks’ and for leaving – that I am no longer that person that I was a year ago, or even 3 months ago – I’ve outgrown & there’s nothing to fear, and I accepted the request. We didn’t interact with one another, only watched each other’s stories, that was it for the next 3 weeks until she deactivated her account, then she would follow requested me again on her second private account. When I accepted it, all the toxic bitter posts that I had saw on that account that were subliminally directed at me, were all deleted or hidden, obviously.
After a day, she had messaged me – In that message she had apologised for blaming me after everything, & admitted that she took the weak & easy way out, that she doesn’t expect me to forgive her, & that she had forgave me for all I’ve done & everything. She had missed my grandparents, & ended the message with a goodbye.
It took me awhile to respond, I didn’t know if I even needed to respond particularly with that goodbye at the end. That goodbye was giving off complete toxic vibes. I was up all night wondering what’s next. A part of me wanted to provide her the forgiveness, another part of me wanted to discuss with the why’s, why everything; I had wanted to clear everything, I wanted to be able to address everything, express how I felt, & how much I missed her. However, a significant part of me knew nothing was going to change if she still had unresolved & unaccounted trauma’s & triggers in her. It was a cycle waiting to happen, if that was the case would I had learnt nothing? The better part of me didn’t want to lose my growth & what I had been through the last 3 months. Actions speak louder than words, if she really did respected & valued me, an apology would require action & it would had been more meaningful if it was face to face. Even if she wasn’t ready, show something for it. Sure, she forgave me like she said, but haven’t we been down this road before? Where what’s buried in the past would just be dug up again for me to relive with the shame. Based from the message alone, it was just an apology with empty words for what she did & about her missing my grandparents, not me. There was nothing about me or for me besides her forgiving me for everything, nothing to repair with what she has done on her end, it was only based on what was given that would free herself from what ever guilt or shame she may of had. If there was more to that, I shouldn’t had to mindread or over think. Maybe she finally saw my growth & that I was doing good, that I didn’t deserve all the blame – regardless, if she did really loved or missed me, she would had showed it, be direct, period.
So, I made my decision that I would respond out of forgiveness, with my boundaries up. To respect myself & accept nothing less. I replied by forgiving her & acknowledging and appreciating her for taking the steps to reach out, valuing her growth & maturity. I was hoping she really did change. She responded & we briefly updated & caught up with each other, exchanging paragraphs to one another, & sharing plans to possibly meet up & catch up in person. However, I would keep my guard up & not fall back to the same cycles & pattern. If this had been for me, or if she actually wanted me, she would had fought for it & chased me a little harder, proved that she changed or was resolved the past 3 months, considering accountability is a love language & actions speak louder than words. That only lasted couple of days until she replied less & slowly faded out, & few days later she had unfollowed & removed me off her account. Who knows what she was going through or battling with during that time. However, do we see what’s happening here? The Ghosting.
Ghosting is whole topic of the psychological effects it has on us humans. It is a form of emotional abuse & neglect. Let’s be clear, I was doing just fine before she had came back to just ghost, again.
What was the point of her coming back just to leave again. We had been talking & making progress, so I confronted her about her removing me & ghosting, & she made up some excuse that she was removing people & then deactivated, and then reactivated her other account. Before I knew it, I was caught into this undefined-cycle, being hooked on her after being ghosted, re-triggering my own unhealed & insecure childhood attachment pattern, that I know now that I’m responsible for to heal. I messaged her to follow up on what we were discussing/planning before she had ghosted with catching up in person, & offered an opportunity for us to follow through and meet up during the week, & she replied that she would be down & she would let me know when as she is very busy & that the weekend may be possible for her. Well, she never followed up as the weekend past, I watched her stories as she was out with her friend/cousin – she didn’t let me know or gave me a heads up that she won’t be available or couldn’t make it – or simply, just didn’t want to go.
I confronted her again this time because I needed to know as soon as possible to make plans on what I was going to do next with my life, particularly for Christmas. I needed to see my mum in Perth, but she rejected the idea & didn’t want me, so I was planning to go to Brisbane instead to reunite with my other family from Church that I have not seen or interacted with for 7 years. Considering her & I were no longer together anymore, I now had that freedom to see them. I directly addressed with her that she could had let me known she couldn’t make it as she had gave me her word to let me know or at least a day before the weekend if she was available or not, that it had lead me on when I had made a day free for her. She responded that she wanted to keep her distance. How things were was giving me mix signals & didn’t solve the fact that she changed her mind and didn’t let me know. So, I got straight to the point with why she even came back, why she even apologised & why we started talking like we were going to catch up again just for me to receive mix signals – She responded that she had made a mistake of giving me too much & that she only wanted to see my grandparents, & she wasn’t going to make that mistake again. I was upset with her response because I was doing just fine without, but I had the patience – from the growth I’ve made the past 3 months knowing how to communicate maturely – I got to the point & told her how the actions affected me and what I will not accept in my life, and questioned her what did she want from me – She responded with the same condescending energy that she had before she left like nothing changed – the vibe was off already – there was no flame to the fire anymore of the old toxic love cycle & it was like she was holding the match sticks hoping I was still the same old person she had resented, that was the vibe – I had a lot of time away from her to sense the chaos & disrespect awaiting – all the triggers – there was subliminal resentment & disrespectful words coming from her in retaliation, deflecting my question – saying how I wouldn’t understand, or that I don’t understand because I misunderstand things & jump to conclusions as always, that I will get it one day – the things she said were out of pocket & that wasn’t the time for subliminal insults or bring up my level of understanding from the past, because I had grown from the last time she left. She doesn’t know me like that. I had worked/healed as challenging as it has been the past 3 months after she left without her to build the life & who I wanted to be, not for her come in indecisively & disrespect it – & if she couldn’t meet me where I have met myself by doing the inner work, she can move on away from me. I knew this pattern & didn’t engage with the toxicity, I simply just got straight to the point – I let her know how I was impacted by her action & the point was that she gave me her word, & that I needed to know now if we’re still going ahead or not, because I’ve made plans to go to Brisbane. She ended up apologising & her energy/vibe changed to a more peaceful manner. I told her I won’t be accepting any mix signals or inconsistencies along the way, I’m only here for healthy relationships & this is who I am now & what I want in life. If nobody can get with that, then they can get on with their life without me in it. Now, she got to see my growth & see that I’m not here for any bullshit.
That could of ended it there, but – she asked why I was going to Brisbane & we continued having long conversations throughout the night, making jokes & having an actual real interaction. At that point, I felt that I had proved more than enough about where I stand & my worth, my self & my business. She stayed, checked on me while I was driving to Brisbane & it had gave me ‘hope’. I really had thought & believed this was the turning point because I stood my ground & had to show for it.
During my stay in Brisbane with my other family, I was still in contact & in touch with her. The first night I was in Brisbane we were talking & engaging with a lot of energy over the phone, felt like reconnection & old times again, but that energy would quickly fade right after the next day. We would share here & there with our families, her family that I had missed. I would particularly share with her my family in Brisbane, even face-timed her with them, after all I still had remembered her disappointment with my own family & culture back in Sydney, maybe this family of mine in Brisbane would make up for it & redeem that, particularly the Mum that she could possibly relate to, as they were some what quite similar. I finally have that aspect back in my life however, & it was actually one of the things that brought us together in the very beginning many years ago when I used to share to her about this family here in Brisbane & the problems we faced when I used to be with them back when they were in Sydney that she could relate to with her own family. It felt like a full circle, things were falling into place, it was worth sharing again, at least that’s what I had thought. It was everything I ever wanted & needed; the family & her, all existing in a place in my life. I finally received the respect I had always wanted from them. We would talk about plans of meeting up after I get back home to Sydney to hang out & ‘catch up’ at a Church activity for New Years. That was our plan. I was looking forward to it after leaving Brisbane. She kept in contact as she wanted to visit my grandparents to drop them Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. So, I bought her & her family Christmas presents while I was in Brisbane. It all seem, too good to be true, & finally everything was working out, after all the pain & suffering, everything seem to had fallen into place – after 7 years without this family, after 4 years with her – maybe, we could still be together & get married, & I’ll have my family that meant so much to me, here in Brisbane. At that point in time, regardless of the illusion that it was, I was at my all time highest. However, after Christmas, she stopped talking to me completely, out of the blue, no last messages to let me know what the plan was going to be if we’re still seeing each other in Sydney or to follow through, or any type of closure. She deactivated & disappeared off social on the day that I was returning back home. There was another Church activity in Brisbane for New Years, same as the one we were planning to meet up in Sydney, & all the cousins here in Brisbane were going to it & the Dad highly encouraged me to stay to go with them. He said, family first. I told them all that I had unfinished business to attend to, & we had spent my last day there as an entire family at the Temple before we would say our goodbyes. On my 10 hour drive back home from night to morning, I called her but she never answered, as I needed someone to talk to after leaving everyone in Brisbane, I felt alone & not knowing what I was returning to. I assumed she’d be asleep for work, & maybe she’ll message or call back the next morning. But, she never did. I had so much hope with her & I was so keen to catch up & talk to he, share everything about us since and my experiences in Brisbane, considering she had known my story with them for 4 years and all the kids & their names.
When I finally arrived in Sydney, back home, I instantly saw the Christmas gifts she had left for my grandparents. I looked through the card, & it was only written for them. For some reason it hurt, that she left me out. I came back with Christmas presents for her & her family – so, that would be what’s left to do I had suppose, if that was it, if that was the end. I had wrote Christmas cards for her family from the bottom of my heart of what I was thankful for & grateful for being with them and all the times we had spent together & wishing them all the best. I had wrote a personal letter to her with each page for each year we had been together for what I was thankful for & how I had felt, wishing her all the best & that she was always welcome to be a part of all my family in Sydney & in Brisbane if she ever needed, at that point it left things open-ended… or a way to end things on better terms, regardless, it could go either way. I called her that day, to let her know & give her a heads up that I would be dropping off Christmas presents to her family, & so she could have time to prepare as I wasn’t going to show up unexpectedly & uninvitedly – it was an awkward phone call, it all felt forced & the energy was off, you know the vibe, something changed or maybe the signs were always there, but little did I know that would be the last time I’d ever hear from her, the forced ‘bye‘ before the call ended, ever again. I dropped by her house & saw her family for what would be the final time, it had been 5 months since I last seen her family & had been in their house, everything had changed inside. They were surprisingly happy to see me, her siblings that was, particularly her brothers. She never came out of her room to see me, & that was it, somewhat of a bitter farewell disguised as a peaceful exit – that would be my last unintended goodbye to her family. Since then, I had been waiting/hoping if she would reply or text in response to my letter, & she never did. I would have thoughts racing my mind thinking maybe she just needs time to respond or reciprocate what I had written on the letter, at least maybe a simple message on New Years – at least, one final message, or that one last talk for a proper final goodbye.. for what it was all worth, for that final Closure to end 2020… but when New Years had hit & it was finally 2021, there was no call, & no message. I could had been with my family in Brisbane for New years. I was so alone, devastated & left heart broken, completely shattered more than ever before, to pick up the pieces again, knowing how hard I had put in the work to build myself & heal from the past 3 months, for her to had come back and kind of screw that over – after New Years I was then hit with the biggest depression.
2021 – Depression : Waiting for a ship that won’t come
Fled is that music; – Do I wake or sleep?” – John Keats
How it all feels like a dream now, that feeling that feels like a whole decade away. Time is never ending, it will never stop, but the body keeps the score. This year so far, 2021, has been one deep journey of depression & self discovery I never imagined I’d be prepared for. Being able to talk about it & relive those silent trauma’s that are nothing more than just a distant memory now & how I react from it. It’s all an illusion in reality that we speak life to.
Beginning of this year I was in complete shock, remorse, & restarting that whole grief process all over again. It hurt, it felt like it all went in vain, no parting words, no farewell. It had messed me up completely to pick up the pieces again & start all over this year. I had exhausted all my options, left the door open, I truly did fought enough with it all being unnoticed & unacknowledged. I changed enough, I was enough. I couldn’t ignore how shattered I was after, smiling in depression so no one sees how weak I was, the shame with her being gone after I had told everyone, told everyone that I had an engagement ring, that all I could do is just hold on with part of me hoping things will return, tears on my own waiting for her to return again, left me no closure, not even a goodbye.
This year, all I had been doing, was just waiting. After Brisbane, time moves on, & I received nothing within the soul after climbing that ladder of expectations. That was the engine for the depression this whole year, with how much I realised I had changed & grown for others because I was ashamed of how I was & needing to be loved. I was questioning what now, what’s next? I was completely lost. I didn’t know, or did what was happy or purposeful for me, because I depended on that relationship for 4 years for my happiness & purpose. I depended on so many other’s for approval & direction. Those were the ingredients to a world of depression & lacking that one soul & self. Depression in all actuality, is abandoning who we are. Without getting into the scientific neurological explanations – Depression is abandoning ourselves for others – for the ladder that we’re climbing for others & away from the ladder that already exists within ourselves.
As I’ve mentioned before, this recent abandonment from the break-up & being ghosted had hit the hardest, who knew abandonment pain would cause this much physical hurt. This is not a cry for pity. Losing sleep, bedridden, unable to eat or enjoy things I used to do. I was mourning heavily of the loss, confused with my self & everything I had ever known. I couldn’t think about anything else, I couldn’t study or learn anything new, had to stop my studies to figure my self out. I didn’t know what I wanted or needed anymore. I was still holding onto hope. Still checking on & lurking on her family social media’s to receive any confirmation, even finding out things that may re-trigger or cause more pain, it was something I couldn’t help my self with, particularly if I was trying to navigate through it all all on my own. I couldn’t get the Closure I needed or wanted. I was only prolonging my suffering when everyone had moved on. I didn’t know why I was like this, I didn’t know why I couldn’t get back to how I was last year with how well I was healing & doing after that initial break-up. It was an unhealthy cycle that’s for sure of helplessness & being a victim by remaining stagnant and waiting. However, it was on the day after my birthday when I found out by digging further, that she had found someone new. It was finally that confirmation I been looking for as the silver lining, but it was shocking & traumatising nonetheless with how unexpected it was, it really did felt too soon, for everything that we had been through to move on to someone else is too soon. I really did questioned if it was ever or never true love for how fast she had moved on. After all, some people only get into relationships or build connections out of fear of being alone & missing out. Regardless, that’s what broke the cycle for me that kept waiting & hoping, & truly stopped the attachment of lurking and checking on her family, and I finally learnt to accept & let it go. It was so painful, letting go of the ring, letting go of every single thing we had during the 4 years that I had still held in my container box, the whole process truly felt like a death. I was mourning & having intense breakdowns in the middle of anything, so much weight was loss, that’s how bad it was. I lost love for my self & my body was literally rejecting my self.
Depression got a lot heavier after that, being the weight heavier than gravity. No, this isn’t self pity or being the victim & no we’re not the only one’s on Earth who experience this – it’s our own mental health condition that’s validating a current existential crisis that will no longer be ignored. Depression, PTSD, brain fog, cognitive decline, suicidal ideations, it’s real. It was the shock, grief, waking up each morning feeling empty, weak, afraid, abandoned, lost, & alone, with no purpose throughout this year. Wondering where did everyone go? Reverting back to the lost, injured child within me. Every dream was a nightmare that left me in tears in the morning, for all the healing & growth I’ve had made – I was still fearful & panic-stricken. My physical body was literally shutting down & rejecting me, I was losing control of my health & that’s what biologically & neurologically happens when we go through depression, grief & shame. It’s a trauma-response.
There were moments throughout the year where there wasn’t a day that goes by where she hadn’t left her mark with everything in my life & something had to change. One day I felt I was getting better, truly moving on without waking up to the thoughts of her. Then another day I’d be reminded by her mark that was left in my life, particularly here in Sydney, from waking up to the same job in aged/disability care that I had been doing since she had been in my life, the same car, the same house, & even my room. Some things have to change, that’s part of life. Although I’ve done all I could to understand & make peace with things – my mental health was not aligning & there was damage that was never resolved. It requires a lot of strength to face those wounds particularly on your own & addressed them. Heartbreak & suppressed feelings, there was deep emotional inflammation that was debilitating with every day function. I was still grieving & mourning autonomously with every single song & movie about love. Falling into tears reminded by failure & loss. I really would feel like a victim involuntarily all the time with every single of these triggers. The depression & anxiety was worrying, I didn’t know what to think of my self & how to deal with it all. I was gone, it was hell, time kept moving, I watched others get through life & moving up on the ladder, I watched everyone go on without me, I mourn the loss of it & after awhile, I no longer cared about anything. I stopped caring what other people think, & realise that no one was ever thinking about me in the first place. Reality is, there will be seasons of pain, loneliness, & depression before the growth & the lessons being learnt, and it can be part of the healing process no matter how painful. I’ve stopped making excuses for my unhealed behaviours by doing the inner work, & I’ve stopped accepting it from others aswell. All the lessons I will take moving forward. I will grow through what I go through. Healing, is a life long journey.
I’ve learnt from that years of experience, & this journey now is searching what I want for my self, who I am, & what makes me happy. No longer caring what other’s think of me. Once I had climbed off that ladder & realised that the ladder was within me, that I am the ladder – there was finally a sense liberation from the depression of climbing a ladder that in all actuality was a hamster wheel – that was only endlessly pleasing other’s & proving the emptiness point that we’re not enough – the hamster wheel that was full of comparisons & having a false sense of being someone or having something once we’ve climbed it. Once I got off & accepted that I am my own ladder, it allowed room within me for true acceptance, love, peace & freedom.
A cycle was finally ending. The real problem was always the relationship I had with my self, seeking everyone’s approval & it all started from my childhood always needing that external validation.
I don’t blame the ex, if our life switched places, if I lived her’s & she lived mine, I’d probably do the same as her, I don’t blame her. Maybe if she lived mine, she may never had blamed me either. Two things can be true at once. I forgive her & let go of everything, I still love her but I will grow and move on loving my self first & be open for happiness & the next stage in my journey. We all walk different paths in life, some paths cross one another & then separate. We just have to keep moving forward on the path we’re meant to be on. Life is all about exploring, expanding, even trespassing at times, taking risks, discovering, going beyond our limits that we set ourselves. After all, it’s our own fears that hold us back. That’s the peace & lesson I’ve learnt, that’s the understanding I’ve received.
God did answer my prayers 5 years ago & sent me what I needed, not what I had first thought I had wanted or desired, but a lesson for my own good. I had met the most broken version of myself but also the strongest. I hope one day the ex see’s how much I’ve grown since them, & how much the experience allowed me the opportunity to become a better person. Alternatively, I no longer need recognition or approval from that external validation, I’m good & have nothing to prove.
The solution & closure had always been within me, forgiving everyone & most significantly forgiving my self, as-well as the growing faith I have to continue climbing the mountains in my life & the journey I’m on. I won’t ever abandon that Inner Child again. This journey will be about what WE want & need. What we can learn & grow together, live in the present embracing every stop on our destinations, & be ready for what’s next to come. Being alone is the best time to find & learn more about my self. It’s no longer about pleasing anybody else, & that’s exciting to be grounded on the real me and what I want.
I started learning to make decisions that make me happy, instead of feeling selfish. I stopped beating my self up about my past, & understood that I could had not known better. I stopped caring what others think or say about me. I’ve learnt to let go of the control on how others see me. I’m learning to be happy alone on my own first, & taking responsibility of my self to save me. My self worth is no longer attached to how others view or treat me & I’ve cut out people who are not aligning with my values & growth. Most importantly, I realised I have a heart of gold & an abundant soul within no matter the past.
So it’s important to always know, that plans often don’t go the way we want. Plans change, & it’s never for certain. However, it’s how we move forward from it. Disappointments may occur, but they don’t last forever. Know that every tear doesn’t go to waste. God always has a much greater plan than our own, & it will only make us stronger. There is a light at the end of a tunnel, that trauma can help grow & strengthen us when we reclaim our life by addressing how we react. If we don’t heal within & meet ourselves where our soul density lies, nothing will ever satisfy. Those are my ending words on my story on trauma how important it is for us to face, & finding faith through depression. That the one hard truth & reality about trauma and our past – it never goes away, but how we react can change.
A Niu Journey 