If it doesn’t set you free, is it really love?
“Don’t let the things which hurt you, cast shadows on your light. Your light is who you and what you really are.” – Teal Swan.
Trust the Universe. God wastes nothing. Every pain & every tear – He leaves nothing to chance. Everything that has happened in our lives was meant to happen exactly the way it had, to teach us an important lesson.
Oftentimes, plans don’t go the way we had hoped & wanted. No matter how much we may had hoped for, there are undeniable things in life that we have no control over. Plans change, & nothing in life is for certain. However, it’s how we move forward from it. Disappointments may occur, but they don’t last forever. Know that every tear doesn’t go to waste. God always has a much greater plan than our own, & it will only make us stronger.
He closes doors in our lives for our protection, no matter how painful it will be. Rejection is meant for our protection. To humble us, & to grow us. Doors that were no longer serving – He protected me from what I had hoped & expected, because he knew better things are coming.
By shifting our focus on what we can control, in his timing the right door that’s meant for us will open & it will all make sense why everything had to happen. Be assured everything happens FOR us, not to us.
This whole year so far, has been an unforgettable journey of ups & downs. One disappointment after another. After the end to one relationship last year via being ghosted & the losses that followed from it, I wasn’t ready for more disappointments in life that soon came after one by one. A single piece in life started to fall, & they all kept falling, no matter how much I tried to rise above & not be a victim in life, there were things that were beyond my control. Learning pains nevertheless for our eventual growth. I was going through my old archives in my notes, & to be blunt… reflecting how torn I was with past heartbreak, depression & alarm bells earlier in the year.
Eventually, we have to accept the losses – we’re not helpless victims in the larger plan that God has for us. Accept what has been done, even when we been in the wrong, or we been wronged, it happened, & it happened for a greater reason, we must accept it, learn from it & move forward – to make room for what is meant for us. God doesn’t leave us to suffer, pain is part of the agreement we signed to experience & grow on this Earth – without pain there won’t be true change, & we must keep moving forward.
With that said, do we really need Closure? We all been through this stage one point or another – I want to reflect one last time on how I once lost someone who had been everything to me, & it was insanely hard to accept that that door was closing. We made unbelievable progress throughout the storms but in the end, it had to end. It wasn’t healthy or getting healthier, no matter what either of us had tried. Don’t get me wrong, I cried more than I had ever before. We forgave each other for everything towards the end, & finally stopped a cycle. That was the unspoken closure. There is beauty in tragedy. It was painful to accept that it was what it was. Love is often spoken through actions, & letting go to set the other free is the unspoken self love that we tend to forget how powerful we can be.
It’s learning to accept that some things are meant to remain broken no matter how much we try to fix & put it back to how it once was – it would never be the same. The cycle needed to end, for things to truly change. For better things to come.
When things have been broken, time can not restore it alone. Here’s another quote from Teal Swan – “People say ‘time heals everything’ when they want to avoid the task of proactive healing. Time heals things in the same way that a wound heals when it is ignored… crooked”. Another quote “The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens – but it’s never gone.” – Rose Kennedy. I’ve talked about the scars & wounds in my first post on Trauma if you like to go ahead and check it out.
When the cycle ends, is when the true pain occurs towards the path of healing. When it all ended, I had never known this deep abandonment pain could be so pernicious to this extent. It revealed the deep broken parts & underlying trauma inside me that had never been truly healed throughout time. One ending had opened a profound window to search the deepest parts within my self. I was highly emotionally attached & co-dependent on her, as-well as with others throughout life. Although I’ve had abandonment pain from childhood, this loss however had hit harder than all that came before. It was the lesson I had to learn about my self to reveal all the underlying trauma that needed to be addressed and attended to heal & fix. As confronting & dark as it was, it is what it is. With every loss, there is a deeper gain about who we truly are which is the light that had been cast by the shadows of fear & pain.
It’s ok to accept the loss & grieve for as long as we need. We really do lose almost an entire universe of ourselves, from heartbreak & loss. However, healing always has a way of fixing our vision. True proactive healing that is, when we start to peel away the scabs from the wounds that we been neglecting, & attend to the scars that had been lost deep in the abyss of where we had been broken. It took the whole depths of the ocean within me to resurface, & get out of an old perspective. Change comes through the crashing waves, it is inescapable, & it’s never calm. Pain of abandonment & rejection exist, there will be guilt, there will be shame, it is almost, inevitable – but it’s not for ours to hold & keep. Storms don’t last forever, & once it’s over, the lesson learnt will be the blessing. When a wave finally realises it is the ocean.
Before the leap forward, the concept of moving on was entirely misunderstood. Reality is, there will be seasons of pain, loneliness & depression we can’t control, it’s as random as the weather & clouds that determine how beautiful or absent the sunset appears. Healing is a life long random & unpredictable journey. We really do go back & forth throughout the process. I’ve received the most straightforward advices that the only way to move on is to disassociate, to find someone new, that would make me happy. However, what’s misunderstood is I’ve learnt it is something within me that I want to find & be my own happiness. I’m not here to use anyone as a platform to simply move on & I don’t expect anyone to fix what only I can fix within me.
This journey is deeper & richer than what we search for externally. My happiness & worth was almost entirely codependent on the other persons external validations. Almost everything was entirely dependent & filled by her within me. So, with how things had ended, I was deprived from that happiness & comfort that I was completely attached to.
I’ve come to learn that denials & rejections are Gods form of protection for my greater good. He knew my old ways was leading to destruction. This journey is now meant to be exquisite, with life long lessons & self discovery. We must handle ourselves & let God handle everything else. Acknowledge that it was all a test on this Earth as part of the agreement we made to live on here & the lessons we can learn from it.
When we’re recovering & learning to be whole again, there will be sharp, broken, painful pieces fragmented in the path towards healing. Truth be told, once we walk the path of accountability, we realise our hand in all of it. We weren’t robots that were programmed & set to fail. We made the choices, & our actions were our own, it’s simply a system in us that wasn’t working, & it is our responsibility to learn from it, fix it, reboot the errors and know where we went wrong, or else we will always be running on old systems set to failure.
Grieving has a way of making us re-evaluate what we could have done differently & it is also a safe space for us to take off the rose-coloured lenses in order to see the truth. Oftentimes, we realise we were stuck in our own contradictions & bullshit by avoiding the truth in order to keep away from what we fear the most. Although I now have no regrets through faith in God that it all had to play out exactly the way it did – if I could do it all over again, I would know what it is that I need to do right & what I need to work on. However, healing really does fix our vision as cliche & repetitive as it sounds when we accept that everything had to happen exactly the way it did, detail for detail, that God leaves nothing to chance, that nothing was an accident, or a mistake. Knowing IF I or anyone had been perfect physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially, if I could handle all the pressures, if I had no unresolved hurt/trauma within me and had walked the path of righteousness & done everything flawlessly from the very beginning whether that be treating my self, her and everyone in my life correctly every single day throughout it all… it would not had prevented what had failed, or change the outcome for the lessons that were meant to be learnt. God was very specific on the lessons that we needed for this life. We had been told over and over that life on here is temporary – we should not suffer longer from what we go through than we ever need to.
When we stop making excuses for our own unhealed behaviours by doing the inner work, we stop accepting it from others as-well. Particularly, patterns we are responsible for. Since then, I’ve accepted nothing less from myself, anyone or anything in life. I’m entirely responsible after the lessons that have been taught.
Maturity is also when we have the ability to identify our own toxicity & hold ourselves accountable. Maturity is realising that some wars are meant to be loss, for a cycle to end that was no longer healthy to make room for change, new experiences & possibilities for bigger opportunities for growth. As partners, we may have been brought up to assume we’re supposedly or expected to be everything the other person needs & to consistently fight, support & never give up, and to understand each other’s love languages to get through these personal wars. However, what’s also involved is healthy boundaries, compassion, accountability, communication, consistency, & trust.
For all relationships to be healthy, we must do the Inner-work first, with support from one another with what the other can bring out, not to hurt or tear apart, or shame the other, but to be real & honest, compassionately. By being on the same page with consistently valuing each other’s boundaries, mental, emotional & physical health. The empty plate is the relationship that we must keep sharing. It’s to refill the glass, to refill what’s been given, & there always has to be a fair compromise. Bottom line is, no amount of love or effort can change anyone that doesn’t work towards them self. We could fight to the death for someone, find every possible avenue, but if their mental health is declining rapidly, the battles we win are pointless when the war has already been loss. I’ve come to learn now that we were simply not fighting the same wars together, we were just distractions to each other for the battles we needed to win on our own.
“Sometimes we are just in the collateral damage in someone else’s war against themselves.” – Lauren Eden.
Letting go is immeasurably the hardest choice to make in life, but it is also the highest form of love. Everything had to happen the way it did, so we learn from what’s gone. We have to ask ourselves, why do we prolong the suffering? I’ve been holding on for so long & not letting go. Eventually, something has to change. God is not changing what’s around me, his trying to change what’s in me. Nobody is coming to save us in a journey that He is preparing for us. He knows our fears, He feels our pain, yet we disappear & get lost hoping and waiting to be found, stuck in a cycle, when it’s never about being found, it’s about finding & saving ourselves, &/or finding Him. Once we do that, no matter how long it takes, the right people will find you, the people that are meant to find you, for your soul, that vibe with you, & akin to you!
It took me a lifetime to realise, that no one is looking for the parts we want seen, that only God can only see. People may gravitate towards us, our vibe attracts our tribe, but they won’t ever see what God can truly see in us. It’s Ok to be misunderstood, it’s Ok to be unseen, & it’s Ok to be the villain or a bad person in someone else’s story. We served a purpose, & we can’t fixed what was, or change the outcome. We can’t fix or change another person’s perspective. We can’t fix what we broke, or how we been damaged, maybe we’re now bent, but some things are meant to remain broken. We can only change our selves, & let God handle the rest. In time, all will be revealed, & there won’t be anything to be afraid of whether that is to truly find ourselves, or finding what’s out there. Healing is & will always be a journey that hurts intensely more than the actual wounds that require healing.
In regards to Closure. No matter what, it always comes down to the relationship we have within ourselves. All that had happened that didn’t work out or being left hanging & ghosted, was never personal, it never is. It’s a journey that everyone has to take that no longer involves us, we had served a purpose that’s no longer needed. Trust that it’s all for a greater good of a much larger plan than our own. I won’t forget the lessons, but I’ll move on. Could blame timing, our own separate unhealed childhood traumas, our triggers, mental health, the upbringing, the situation or environment around us, or any other excuse, it was toxic nonetheless & a cycle had to end within for the lessons that were NEEDED to heal our own individual childhood & inter-generational traumas; regardless if we weren’t ready to face it had to end in order to understand who we truly are, why we were who we were, & to become who we’re meant to be and be better people.
It’s astounding knowing God precisely selects when to bring the right people in our lives for a specific lesson, & to be removed when they’ve served their purpose. How odd & different the stars were aligned that only He or the Universe decides. I’m grateful that she had accepted me during those times. Nothing was ever a mistake, or to doubt His plan. He removes people & things in our lives no matter how painful, so we don’t suffer from what could had been, & be on the path to who we were always meant to be.
If it doesn’t set you free, is it love? I wished it could had worked, I truly did with all my heart & soul. But, the best way to love someone despite the story & narrative that true love is always fighting, chasing & running after – is sometimes to set them free.
So, I will finally let go, the ring, & every single little thing I had still kept that we had for four years other than the lessons. Pay off the debts from the time we had been together, take full responsibility on how I move forward with healing, & rebuild financially, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. I’m no longer afraid of starting all over again, this time I’m starting with experience.
This year has been a season of healing & painful awakening. A year full of lessons to learn about who & how I was, before all the pain, my deepest traumas, weaknesses, & problems I’m entirely accountable for. It’s so I don’t recreate the same story, same issues, & cycle into my next chapter.
So, at last, we’ve reached an end, as one door closes behind us, another door mysteriously awaits. There’s no better feeling than enlightenment & self discovery. Who knew that a whole world resides within us. Realising this bought me tears that were no longer sadness, & I finally found a joy within that burns the darkness. Where ever I am now, & where ever I will be, I know it won’t be my final destination, it is only just the beginning.