Well, these past months have not gone at the slightest according to plan. However, it’s for the better.
It’s currently April, and I should be in Brisbane by now starting a new life as I’m typing. But, I’m still in Sydney in the same spot lol, not that I am complaining as I’ve learn there is a better purpose in store for me. I know what’s best for me in terms of what I want to use my one chance at life for. I will have to work towards it, like everybody else, and not feel entitled to have anything I’d expect or have any idealistic plans with the expectation to fix everything. Besides, with Brisbane, if it’s still a ‘healthy’ option – that can still be for there for me any time in the future.
So how, did this all came to be?
Various external & internal factors, that somehow all became puzzle pieces of a bigger picture.
Externally, it began when I questioned the future situation that I was going to put my self in by moving – financially & mentally. It was however, worth the struggle if I was going to be surrounded by family & having a better social life (to heal & to thrive). As I dwell deeper into my motivation – it was simply to have a fresh start. Get away from Sydney, triggers, & all the past memories here. Listening to podcasts, hearing about the benefits & life changing choices by taking that leap of faith with moving cities & starting new. The thought of that excited me, maybe I could find something up there, and I already have the ‘set-up’ there with the family in Brisbane to transition smoothly. It was meant to be a healthy solution.
That would be the positive, the cons however was that I have CRAZY student debt, unfinished studies, & the thought of working extra to pay rent while in a financial minus – I wasn’t too sure about the stability aspect – particularly if I’m already dealing with my mental health – but it would still be worth the risk if I had a healthy family or situation that I’ll be heading into (well, I thought).
With the unfinished studies, the bachelors degree (that started 7 years ago), that is a journey of ups & downs. I had started in 2015, then deferred due to mental health, restarted a new course because that previous one discontinued, deferred again because of a break up, & now restarting again with a new course because now that previous one is also discontinued). Geez, thankfully some of the credits were used for the new courses so it was not a total waste, but the accumulation of student loan fees…. Help Me. By the way, these are all health science courses, majoring in Nutrition. As I did had a passion for natural health. I restarted studies again beginning of this year and that has been a struggle – after 7 years, you kind of want something new especially if you have lost that passion & the gusto waking up each morning to build on it. It’s also re-triggering trauma’s, how much the relationship & break up were linked with that whole journey – I questioned if this was something that I still wanted to do or become. I was an entirely different person back then, especially 7 years ago. My motivation, growth & sense of self has changed, my purpose has changed.
However, I do rather finish this course, it’s only 1 year left with all the student debt, I’m still figuring out how to navigate myself through this. But I have finally found something else I want to study & do that aligns with me. It’s not aged/disability care that I am doing right now, & it’s not the childcare course that I started last year.
I had originally planned to work completely full time as a permanent for financial stability & to rent, when I was going to move to Brisbane, & squeeze in study time. Therefore, I would not have much time to be with everyone up there. I’d be focusing on my self, but also be within reaching distance with the family in Brisbane if there’s ever any need to.
I talked about this with the family, & the brothers around February about the plans for April, & also that I was going to pay for the brother’s to come down to Sydney for a week & we’ll all drive up to Brisbane together when I leave. It would be right before one of the brother’s birthday, so we’ll celebrate it all together. We were all excited!
It was hard in Sydney though telling the family here. Long story short, grandparents were eventually mutual about my decision. But, it was just another dynamic in the family that got messy. I told my cousin that recently got married, that I’ll be moving & I will need to transfer the primary carer responsibilities in regards to the care-services our grandparents are under for her to be the contact – as I don’t need to be dealing with this long distance while I am in Brisbane, it be better for the other grandchildren to share the burden (:
It wasn’t too long after, couple of days, Aunty called me to discuss this & you don’t have to say much for me to seek through the intention. Aunty was persuading & trying to convince me to stay in Sydney, she was also pushing me to get connected with a family friend who could get me a better job with stability, that if I wanted to move I can just move close to work but still within Sydney (Grateful for the opportunity, which I took, but seriously now where was the help before? I could’ve needed this after high school or something lol). This conversation didn’t come without some emotional blackmail, what can I say *shrugs* – the usual saying ‘You can’t leave because your grandpa will miss you so much he will die’. Thanks Aunty, for the guilt trip. What I know is, her husband, the uncle-in-law is in the last stages of cancer so she can’t have me far out of reach, because she needs to support him, & she needs me to support her mum, & by doing so by me supporting her step-dad I am carrying the burden of her & grandma by having to take care both. Yes, she did ask that as a request last year, & I am willing to help, I am willing to sacrifice & be selfless. Even, when all the advices I’m getting from anyone I talk to are for me to be selfish.
So, I decided to stay for the time being, especially now that uncle-in-law had been declined chemo & is now being assigned into palliative care. Aunty & the family are all just preparing now for the loss after fighting for so long.
I took that job opportunity by connecting with that family friend, & went through that interview which was successful! BUT, ok first of all.. this was in the beginning of March. It was for an employment consultant position. I don’t have any qualifications or experience, which is why it is a good opportunity for me to act upon – I prepared for the interview, did my research on the role & what I need to work on, the interviewers or talent acquisition team were really impressed & liked me, I don’t know – that was the feedback from that family friend who works there. However, when it came to the references…. which was the last thing they needed, I don’t have any references other than my current employers. The company that I work for has an illogical policy that as employees we can only receive a referral from the owner/director. Oh, if I had not mentioned before I am a community support worker & we report to the coordinators – not the owner/director. So it doesn’t make sense, I don’t see or talk to the owner/director. So, what happened was after a bit of a struggle to reach out to the owner/director to provide me a referral, which was via online to the talent acquisition team for the new position I am applying for, my current owner/director gave me a very unenthusiastic blunt referral that the new company had described as very basic, uninformative, & lazy. Basically, they were telling me that the owner/director most likely doesn’t want to let me go. Long story short, after going back & forth with the owner/director, I can’t get anything else from her, & the new company has not responded to my calls or answered back. Conclusion is, it was probably not meant to be. Anyways, moving forward.
Since the end of February, I been trying to reach out to the brother who’s birthday is in April. But that brother has been ghosting me, not answering my calls or texts, & simply avoiding interaction – it was essential when I needed to follow up on the plans about me moving to Brisbane. Although plans had changed, I was still planning to visit the family & stay in Brisbane over the weekend during his birthday. Still, communication would be nice.
However, it hit me. Well, I knew before – but you know, rose-colored lenses.
Last last year, when I had first reunited with them end of 2020, when I arrived back to Sydney, that brother never reached out to me – unless it was for something… like borrowing money, that… he has not paid back. I didn’t care about the money, it was his word that mattered. That was the last time I heard from him last year, beginning of the year after he borrowed money & has never reached out again. When I came back up again last holidays, I definitely had my rose-colored lenses & I suppose I had a reason why, particularly with what I was going through, I was banking on the whole experience up there to be the best experience and I glorified it as much as possible. So I forgot about the ghosting, & gave so much, especially with that brother, SO MUCH. A lot of promises from his end… what I mean by that is a lot of ‘words’ without, action. So the point is, Plan A I was really set to go to Brisbane & live there, as-well as Plan B to visit over the weekend for his birthday, but this behaviour is unacceptable. So, although I was briefly disappointed, it was a blessing in disguise, that I really started to question how much I glorified & saw the best in people, with the rose-colored lenses I had on, I didn’t see what was best for me & what the actual reality was.
My relationship with these younger brothers, is that I used to look after them when they were only 8-7 years old, so although they are now later teenagers, I unexpectedly still had a good influence on them, a light for them, & the parents see that. However, I am strongly beginning to draw a conclusion that their good acts may just be that, acts, until I’m gone, & they are back to their old ways which, is not healthy.
Few weeks ago, I checked my PO Box which expired last week, I had speeding fines from driving in Brisbane. I usually check the app on my driving record for fines or demerit points, however it doesn’t show any offences from Brisbane so I only found out from the overdue letter. For some reason, the app didn’t show the updated demerit points until my license was suspended from going over the limit & by then it was too late to appeal after the suspension. The time, day & location that the offence happened was when the younger brother was driving, as he was building up his learner hours I wanted to help him with that. I didn’t tell the parents about his speeding, I didn’t want to involve them, the younger brother was preparing for his driver’s test for this April, who was I to ruin that for all of them? The family would really need another driver in the house. So, I copped it, the fines, the loss of licence, & no driving until July.
So, you can imagine my frustration trying to reach out to this boy, even if I just needed some closure, his been avoiding me, & avoiding any responsibility. Even if I tell the parents, it won’t solve anything (but, I will eventually, soon, to stand up for me). So, that’s that.
Although we can’t change people, nobody is perfect, but actions speaks louder than words. We have, users & takers in this world. It’s funny how, my ex, had already judged them before meeting them & she was right, & she predicted that this would happen. I’m not talking about just one brother, but my worth & value all together, that I am more than just a simple convenience or a role in someone else’s life & family. She knew that because I wanted them to be something that they can not, so I am forcing myself to have it by looking past the red flags & inventing an image that is better than my lack of self worth. Anyway, it was just stepping back & taking off the rose-colored lenses to realise what I had already known.
I have a standard. I have Standards. If I have to skip past my values or what I know, especially with family, or people, then, I can’t be with them or be around them. I do love the Brisbane family, but they are not good for me if I got to drop all the hard work I’ve put into having standards from difficult experiences.
Last week the mum sent me an invitation to the brother’s birthday, which I felt was going to be a good opportunity for me to continue to go on that weekend purely to observe & assess what to do next, closure. If they are really suffering, I am not going to bring up about the suspended licence, it will motivate me to help broken or troubled families as a career, & a purpose. If I tell them, & it causes problems, then that’s my closure, that it was never meant to be because I was lacking & gravitated to something that would fill me up, that was clearly not the best for me.
One of the brothers tried to call me, to ask to borrow money, this is the first time that this one particular brother had reached out to me ever since I been in Sydney, & every other time was in Brisbane was for money. I ignored him, I declined, & I never felt better & at peace!
So, with Brisbane not being the healthy option, as it wasn’t the first option to begin with, it was Cairns – I decided to keep my distance emotionally from the people from Brisbane, there’s just too much for me to look past. I know my worth. When we can’t change people, then we can only change our situation with those people which is to keep a distance.
We don’t live in a fish bowl. But, this also adds more to my purpose. Freedom, peace, justice, & righteous. Domestic abuse, any type of abuse, that’s pain whether that’s mine, or yours, it’s what drives me to understand & find freedom, it’s a passion, & it’s something that I want to live & stand by.
In conclusion, the original plan derailed far from what was expected in a much better way that is for me. I have found my purpose & continuing to find my self, & grow. As of now, I want to study & become, a case manager & along the lines of social justice. In the future, maybe a social worker. But for now, just focus on completing one thing, whether that be finishing my nutrition course, taking care of my health, or start a course in case management, it will all be for a purpose for why I am here, & why I was born, just one step at a time.