‘In a dysfunctional home, the underlying reality is: Every man for himself. There is no such thing as “I can have a self and have closeness and connection with them too” or “we take each other’s best interests as part of our own best interests”. Unfortunately, this makes it so that everyone must adopt a narcissistic strategy” – Teal Swan.
My cousin that I grew up with for a short time during childhood had just recently got married.
I wasn’t planning to go, as I had planned to stay in Queensland. However, as I had received a call from my Aunty to ask me if I was going to attend her daughters wedding while I was in Queensland – the cousin & her fiance encouraged me to come as it was going to be good they said.
I chose to go, & it wasn’t a decision for my self – it was a decision for everyone in the family in Sydney. I had an unhealed presumption that it would backtrack my progress & healing returning, which it did, but I didn’t want to be a victim & avoid things I should be grown about. I thought I could navigate strongly through it with a better psychological perspective. With that being said, there’s so much unresolved things in the family that for someone like me who is ‘woke’ & needs straight up resolve to address the elephant in the room – but everyone has different ways of dealing with trauma & moving forward with their lives for their own peace and I got to respect that. I’ve already said what I got to say – I’ve seen enough – I rather live alone with a truth than be oppressed living under a lie. I rather be my self than conform to other people’s unresolved issues & let that affect my life. The only thing I have control over – is my self & how I react.
Therefore, I was glad that the wedding was over – because it was a struggle to get out of my own head all those months & weeks following up to the event & during the event. I was still, healing, deep down, marriage & family reminding me of how close I once was not too long ago. I may not have been over it, but I was actively healing. Some of the family in Sydney bringing that up, asking me about what happened, pressuring me to find someone. As if, being on my own & being my self wasn’t enough, & how they were worried – I was fine without them.
I’m not a Victim anymore, & I’m doing Okay. I will protect my self, because no one else can. If I fully believe & trust in God, then there is nothing to fear or worry about. If my family are worried, then why weren’t they worried about how they used to hurt me as a child? Why aren’t they worried about fixing it or how damaged I was & still am? Worried about things that don’t need to be worried & ignoring/neglecting crucial things. I don’t need that, so enough with that victim mentality.
To simply put, I was so happy in Brisbane, I was allowing my self to relish in the leap of faith, heal & move forward. Coming back to Sydney, knowing that I knew better, that it’s a step back, how it was never going to be healthy. I wish Sydney could of worked out – not that I’m blaming it, I don’t want to leave but I’m going nowhere by staying.
This last stay in Sydney – was all about tying loose ends.
I realised now more than ever that everything is a test or a lesson – & when we walk into the same situation the only thing that matters is how we react.
The wedding was going to be a reunion of unresolved issues & of course, inter-generational traumas. I had to conform to the trauma’s of everybody & be that mature adult, as it really did feel that I was emotionally babysitting all the one’s who were supposed to be responsible for my wellbeing as a child.
My birth mother coming over to Sydney with her husband (step-father) for a couple of weeks to attend the wedding – with all the unresolved & unaccounted things from her end.
The uncle-in-law who’s daughter is getting married that had pushed & kicked me out of the house during my teenage years the time I needed security, comfort, & a home with a family.
The childhood cousin that’s getting married, we drifted apart after childhood, although we weren’t close or had any business with each other – I still remember that time I needed her or family support after high school – when I reached out to her & was ignored (opening up to her on a crisis I was struggling with during my teenage years).
Likewise, with my older half-sister, just like with the childhood cousin, I had turned to my sister after failing to reach out to the cousin, but I received the same ghosting when I needed her, or any family support for that matter.
It was tough, I held a grudge for 5 years. I don’t hold grudges anymore & I just want to get on with my life.
Yes, no family is perfect. Yes, not everyone gets to have a family. Yes, they all have their own lives, their own struggles. And Yes, everyone is different. Although we have our differences, I just wished my family had a solution, but they don’t, & I get the vibe that I can’t change that in this lifetime, that they all have decided that they rather be divided & start their own family without the pre-existing family ties. I don’t want to give up, but I have to accept it is what it is. I am the only one that is fixated on our family tree, ties & bonds. I turned to God for help with a family that is an atheist & has no direction. It’s just time that I start swimming to reach the depths of the ocean than stay & returning on the land where everyone fears the water.
So, about the wedding, it was a new experience as it was the first wedding I’ve ever been to. Probably the most expensive event I’ve ever been to, lol. I was amazed at the presentation & atmosphere. Yet, at the same time just wondering wow, I really don’t belong here lol. I was never built like this, & not something I would want either. I rather just stay away from the world & civilisation, & just get lost in nature.
I’m happy for my cousin, despite everything, she was there during my childhood, my only company as a child that I got to interact & play with. How strange, that the first person that I was attached to, will be someone that in some personal way will set me free, from here, from everything that I had known, in Sydney, as one loose end.
I’m grateful for the experiences & the blessings that had been given. Everyone that had came & been in my life are still important & essential to me & my growth, good or bad, but I know the Universe sent those people for a reason, even if they’re gone, I know that God needed them to be in my life, on my journey.
Not to be too dramatic, but I honestly couldn’t have had it any other way. So, thank you, everyone that has come & go.
That’s all folks,
To the next chapter of my life.
A Niu Journey 